Happy Valentine’s Day! Today the Internets will be red-ribbon wrapped in posts of love and mush but you won’t find that here. Instead I’m posting a “guest writer” – my younger brother Kevin:
Kevin is the husband of Sarah (an incredible crafter/interior designer...remember that later when you read his description of their house), father of three supercute kids under 5, and a tenured fifth grade teacher who does not put up with a whole lot of extraneous crap.
That’s why I was surprised last year when Kevin actually answered a long list of questions that was floating around Facebook in the days before Valentine’s Day. Then I read his answers and it all made sense. Because although Kevin is a dedicated, no-nonsense educator of America’s children, he is also a huge smartass. So I give you what can only be described as his “un-Valentine”.
Me & My Valentine
♥ What are your middle names?
Luther and Agatha – strong family names.
♥ How long have you been together?
We measure our time not in years, but in love.
♥ How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We didn’t. We both got stood up by our real dates as we were waiting at the theater to see Mrs. Doubtfire. We spent the entire movie making out. Then, we went to the batting cages. I won her over with my ability to take a baseball to the temple.
♥ Who asked who out?
After that date, we spent two hours the next evening calling each other only to get a busy signal because we were trying to call each other at the same time. We still laugh about this. Love is a crazy thing.
♥ Whose siblings do/did you see the most?
Mine. We all live together in a commune.
♥ What about pets?
There may be a squirrel living in the attic. We also have a cat named Robert (Bob for short). He’s pretty busy with his own thing, though. We don’t talk much.
♥ Did you go to the same school?
No. I moved around a lot. It something you come to expect when your parents are in charge of anchoring The Scrambler to the ground at so many different small town festivals.
♥ Are you from the same home town?
She was raised on a reservation in Utah. I grew up breathing in the putrid smog of the Ben and Jerry’s factory in Vermont.
♥ Who is the smartest?
Book smart – probably me. If you want to know stuff like the best place to hide the body or how to launder money – she’s your best bet.
♥ Who is the most sensitive?
We’ve belittled each other to the point where we no longer have emotions.
♥ Where do you eat out most as a couple?
We can’t eat out due to my wife’s violent allergy to magnesium and riboflavin.
♥ Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
We spent a very romantic winter in Beirut.
♥ Who has the craziest exes?
She edges me in number of restraining orders, but I have the advantages in actual convictions.
♥ Who has the worst temper?
Probably me, unless it has something to do with a coupon misunderstanding.
♥ Who does the cooking?
I do. I specialize in foods rich in magnesium and riboflavin.
♥ Who is the neat-freak?
Definitely her. Our house is very plain. Nothing on the walls, no knick-knacks. It’s kind of like a museum that closed 4 months ago.
♥ Who is the more stubborn?
She is. I’d like to be stubborn, but someone’s got to make this fairy tale work.
♥ Who hogs the bed?
She lost our bed in a poker tournament. You’ll get ‘em next time, right honey?
♥ Who wakes up earlier?
I do. I take extreme joy in waking up before dawn with our children. She wants to get up, but I enjoy letting her get her sleep. She really does me the favor by letting me rise first.
♥ Where was your first date?
The “Mrs. Doubtfire Makeout Session”. After the batting cages, we spent the rest of the evening writing dirty limericks.
♥ Who has the bigger family?
Confusing question. Bigger meaning number, or bigger meaning gross tonnage?
♥ Do you get flowers often?
I used to when we were first dating. Now I get taken for granted.
♥ How do you spend the holidays?
We spend Thanksgiving back in her hometown on the reservation. It’s awkward.
♥ Who is more jealous?
She is. I’ve told her that things are over between me and Camryn Manhein, but, she can’t get past it. Who would blame her?
♥ How long did it take to get serious?
We aren’t really that serious.
♥ Who eats more?
We each take in 2,050 calories per day via IV. It’s a wash.
♥ Who does the laundry?
My brothers take turns coming over to do our laundry. Mark’s the starch master, while Bryan is an artist with the iron.
♥ Who drives when you are together?
If I’m in the driver’s seat facing forward, and she’s in the driver’s seat facing backwards, who’s really driving?
♥ Who’s better with the computer?
She was, but since she has been banned from computer access due to the conditions of her parole, she’s a bit rusty.